Today I took all the “Christmas” out of our house. And, while it’s nice to have the floor vacuumed, and no longer have such a large tree for our cat to climb on…
my house suddenly looks a little less cheery. And empty. It’s usually this time of year that I begin to wonder if I should have a tree up all year long… with appropriate seasonal decorations throughout the year, of course.
Maybe next year, but for now here I sit with all the Christmas gone.
In the last few years I have developed an annual tradition… in the beginning of January I buy a new journal. And when I sit down to write in that journal for the first time I take some time to read through the January entries of my journal from the previous year.
So, this past Saturday I bought this journal (and it might be my favorite one yet) and on Saturday I sat down to write. And as I looked over the past year’s entries, I found an interesting challenge. You see last year in January I had just finished two rounds of fertility treatments and I was tired. Very tired. I was a broken woman. I remember this time all too well. Some of the medication had caused fatigue, weight gain and I was simply tired.
But what struck me, is that even as I shared with God my hurt that this desire of my heart (the desire for a child) had not been fulfilled, I uttered my faith that he would fulfill it in his timing. And a little beleaguered, I moved forward with the year anticipating what God would do… hoping that 2010 we would meet our baby.
Well 2010 did not bring us a child, but it did bring us faith. Looking back over this past year I am amazed at the faith which God has demanded of us and the grace with which he has bestowed it. Now I’m not trying to say that I am a woman of great faith. No, I am weak. I am sinful. I am human. I am broken. And I am tired. But God has brought hope to my heart and hope to Brandon’s heart even amidst terrible pain.
And we made it. In 2010 there were many long nights of intense grieving (just as there was in 2009 and 2008), but God was faithful. And now I am starting this year with hope that in 2011 we will meet BabyO (as I am affectionately calling our son or daughter). I don’t know where they are, or what they look like… but they will be here.
And once again I am praying for faith. I have learned in the past few months that it is sometimes hard (but just as important) for us to praise God when things are going well. What do I mean? When I was in the midst of infertility I had no choice but to cling to the father. Sometimes I would yell, other times I would cry… but always I would go to him.. Where else could I go?
Now, as I sit in the hope that our child is coming through the beauty of adoption… I am learning that going to the father is harder. When I’m not as desperate, it can be easy to “put it off” till later.
But recently God has once again demanded faith, just as he bestowed it. I have come before him humbly asking that he would direct my heart, direct my hands and direct my words & thoughts in this time of waiting. As possible birthmoms come our way, give us hope. As I feel envy or bitterness creep in, cleanse me. And as we (Brandon & I) move forward with difficult decisions, give us your wisdom, your discernment, your grace.
I’m not tired in the same way I was last year at this time. But I am still very much in need of a Savior.
It’s gonna be a great year.